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Artifact: Debase Guitar
As idyllic and wondrous as The Times Before seem to those scavenging in the blasted wastelands, some Ancients were brutal lunatics that butchered their fellows with any number of insidious implements...
...but perhaps none was more demented than the instrument that pierced your mind and soul with its magnificent music...
...AND YOUR SWEETMEATS AND EYE-SOCKETS WITH ITS DEVASTATING DRILLBIT!!!
A debase guitar is a cumbersome, 25 lb., stringed instrument with garishly stabby design flourishes and a conspicuous 24" long drill at its head. Only those possessing a STR 14 and (at least) two human-like hands—with corresponding phalanges—can manipulate it properly. The device functions without any obvious power source.
When played, a debase guitar produces squealing "rock and/or roll" music that Paralyzes any sentient being (who can hear, naturally) within a 100' radius upon a failed Saving Throw Versus Stun. The tunes carry up to a mile away. When wielded in melee combat, the guitar's megatanium drillbit bores through even the hardest of substances, treating any armor as if it is 4 AC worse and doing 2d8+20 damage per strike.
Debase guitars are amongst the rarest of artifacts, and fetch tens of thousands on the open market. And they are never found in treasure hoards; instead, they are encountered exclusively in the clutches of sadistic rockabilly mutants in fusion-burnin' funnycars, defrosted clones of Rock Gods wracked with cryogenic dementia, and cornpone, pizza-chain beast-bots run amok.
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...AND YOUR SWEETMEATS AND EYE-SOCKETS WITH ITS DEVASTATING DRILLBIT!!!
A debase guitar is a cumbersome, 25 lb., stringed instrument with garishly stabby design flourishes and a conspicuous 24" long drill at its head. Only those possessing a STR 14 and (at least) two human-like hands—with corresponding phalanges—can manipulate it properly. The device functions without any obvious power source.
When played, a debase guitar produces squealing "rock and/or roll" music that Paralyzes any sentient being (who can hear, naturally) within a 100' radius upon a failed Saving Throw Versus Stun. The tunes carry up to a mile away. When wielded in melee combat, the guitar's megatanium drillbit bores through even the hardest of substances, treating any armor as if it is 4 AC worse and doing 2d8+20 damage per strike.
Debase guitars are amongst the rarest of artifacts, and fetch tens of thousands on the open market. And they are never found in treasure hoards; instead, they are encountered exclusively in the clutches of sadistic rockabilly mutants in fusion-burnin' funnycars, defrosted clones of Rock Gods wracked with cryogenic dementia, and cornpone, pizza-chain beast-bots run amok.
Must go on every loot table ever!
ReplyDeleteThat is one hell of a guitar! LOL
ReplyDeleteI know what I want for Christmas!!!
ReplyDeleteWithout a doubt one of the _worst_ films ever! Only watched it as one of the victims was one of my favorite Playmates (Kim McArthur), and even her body couldn't save this dog!
ReplyDelete"garishly stabby design flourishes" is one of my favorite turns of phrase I've encountered this week.
ReplyDeleteHowever, your sentences are different lengths. You should work on getting them all the same size.
;)
@Mr. Blu: I can find no fault with that, at all!
ReplyDelete@Mr. CJ: I could easily see it wielded by heavy metal devils. Just add fire!
@Mr. Steve: Huh. I figgered you for more of an accordion kinda guy.
@Mr. Eltf177: It was, indeed, quite ghastly. Which is why I felt the need to immortalize it!
@Mr. Tim: Why thank you! The word stabby just isn't used enough for my tastes.
ReplyDelete(And that "sentence length" thing of yours? I'm still absolutely, utterly flummoxed by that whole David Lynch-ian conversation. I bet a recording of your face as he kept talking would be absolutely PRICELESS.)
As a Rapist, he has the general concept right, but he is doing it all wrong! =P
ReplyDelete